Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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