I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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