I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
