i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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