Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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