How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
