Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
