Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
