does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
