i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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