oh god the rape fog is back!
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
