i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
my liver is dry heaving
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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