i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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