so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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