I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
