i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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