i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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