I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
