he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
