my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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