Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
