I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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