so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize