New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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