Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
