I want to have your abortion
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
