Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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