Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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