Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
tell me about the eggs
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
