Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
