im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
