his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
