The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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