Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
