Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we're chasing vodka with high fives
even my farts smell like vagina
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
