He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
