Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm really busy with my period
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