her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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