I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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