Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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