pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
