he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
