Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
