I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
