She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
