Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
