if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
