That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i barfeds in our rink
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
