So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
