I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
