Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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