he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am one with the molecules
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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