remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
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I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
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Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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