I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
