So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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