i was born a porn star she said
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
