phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
