i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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