We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
